


Grumpylocks and the three Douchebags*

by sburbanite



Series: Fairytale Bromance [1]
Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Comfort, Fluff, M/M, Meteorstuck, Sleepy Cuddles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-02
Updated: 2015-11-02
Packaged: 2018-04-29 15:09:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5132144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sburbanite/pseuds/sburbanite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"What the hell, dude?"</p><p>The last thing you expected when you came back from the kitchen with your awesome late-night snack-treats was the sleeping form of Karkat Vantas in your bed.</p><p>*Only one Douchebag supplied.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Grumpylocks and the three Douchebags*

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little one-shot of fluffy nonsense.

"What the hell, dude?" 

The last thing you expected when you came back from the kitchen with your awesome late-night snack-treats was the sleeping form of Karkat Vantas in your bed. I mean, it's your bed, not his stupid creepy smuppet-pile, and if there's one thing that should be sacred it's a guy's fucking sleep-zone. Karkat doesn't reply, his head buried deep beneath a layer of covers, so you give him a gentle kick to what you hope is a leg. 

"Get the fuck out of my bed, Vantas. A guy should be able to pop out for five minutes without his bed contracting a troll infestation." 

The voice that greets you from the blanket pile sounds like it's been gargling with sand. 

"No. Fuck you. I haven't slept in four fucking days, Strider, so I'm commendeering your gross human sleeping platform. As your leader I outrank you, and I've tried everywhere else on this godforsaken meteor so you can just suck it up and deal with it until I'm done using it." 

Your sympathy for Karkat's sleeping problems went out of the window faster than a shitty katana when you found him curled up in here without so much as asking, so you give him another shove with your foot. Harder this time. 

"Vantas, get the fuck out. If you finally acknowledge the superiority of the human mattress over your stupid pile of crap sleeping solution then go and alchemize one, don't be getting your z's in another dude's bed. That's not cool, bro. Ergo, make like a tree and fuck off." 

A middle finger emerges from the bedding, accompanied by a low growl. You have no idea if trolls are territorial, but Striders definitely are and you are not giving up the bed you spent months searching through the dream bubbles for. This shit will not stand. Time to press the button on the nuclear option and physically kick him out. 

Leaping onto the bed with characteristic Strider agility, you pin the little troll under the covers. Loud, muffled yelling ensues, and his thrashing nearly deals you a knock-out blow to the family jewels. It's not as easy to move him as you'd hoped, even after getting leverage between him and the wall. You've seen Karkat eating his miserable daily meals of simulated grubloaf, and it didn't look like there were large quantities of rocks in his food. Nonetheless, he weighs a fucking ton. He's not going anywhere, and he knows it. 

"Nice try, Strider, but you can't win against my superior Alternian physique. You lose, meatbag. Eat a human dick and go sleep on the floor." 

Well, shit. Now you're wedged between Karkat and the cold metal of the wall, and the little asshole is backing up into you until it's actually painful. He's heavy and solid, and this must be how cars feel when they're about to be reincarnated as metal cubes. Not only has he stolen your bed, but now he's using it against you, the conniving bastard. Time to use the one thing that makes Karkat abscond like he's been lit on fire. You probably should have thought of that before you got into this position. 

"Karkat, if you wanted to sleep with me, you shoulda just asked. I'm gonna need to get under the covers if you want me to do anything to the choice piece of ass you're grinding into my crotch." 

His ass is nowhere near your crotch, instead seated firmly in your stomach, but he springs away from you like you stuck a drawing-pin in it. Sadly, not actually off the bed, just far enough away that no part of his body is making contact with yours. 

"Shut up, you unbearable sack of hormones. My interest is purely in your stupid bed, which incidentally is so warm and soft and inviting that might actually consider fucking it if only to piss you off. I'd like to see you try and get my genetic material out of it, if I'm red for your sleeping platform then it'll be red for me for fucking forever." 

Gross. That is the most disgusting thing you've heard since Terezi asked if she could lick your eyeball. 

"Dude, not cool. Don't threaten malicous masturbation in my bed, I ain't leaving the two of you alone so you'll have to do it with me vomiting all over you." 

Karkat looks both amused and disgusted as he rolls over and pokes his head out of the top of the covers. 

"Who says it'd be masturbation, Strider? Your bed is begging for it, it's desperate for the feel of a manly bulge after having to put up with your pathetic human physiology. I'm going to take your bed's virginity and it's going to love every minute of it." 

You snort at that, if Karkat wants to play this game then you'll show him how it's done. 

"This bed is not a virgin, dude." 

It takes him a few seconds to catch your meaning, but you're rewarded with an expression of pure loathing. 

"Oh my god, you abhorrent piece of alien scum! I was fucking kidding but you're actually serious! I can't believe you use your sleeping platform for that, and I really fucking hope you have the decency to change your sheets." 

His reaction is just as amusing as you'd hoped it would be, and the fact that he's squirming uncomfortably as he fights between not backing down and getting the fuck out of your bed is even better. You take pity on him a little, this is pretty damn funny after all. 

"Of course I change them. These were fresh last month." 

The joke is lost on him, probably because he grew up sleeping in a cocoon filled with slime. You spread out a little, reclaiming some of the space vacated by Karkat. He can't recoil without falling off the bed, but equally you can't move him. The cold war has begun. It's probably the warmest cold war in history, since he's like a living radiator. 

You fire the first diplomacy missile, hoping you'll be able to babble him into submission. 

"So where do trolls do the nasty if not on a sweet, box-sprung slice of heaven? Do you have a separate slime pod for it, or do you have to sneak out to the old four-wheel device so your crab-monster doesn't catch you in the act?" 

Karkat groans, realizing you're not going to shut up if he persists in staying here. 

"This isn't the xenosexuality hour, but if you must know, they use a couch. You may not consider it very romantic, but it's a damn sight more spontaneous than a big soft squishy thing that makes you sleepy as soon as you get into it. How is that sexy in any way? It's like a big cuddly toy you can lie on top of." 

You consider that for a minute, picturing the vagueries of troll sex like a true xenobiologist and not getting flustered by it whatsoever. You definitely aren't feeling hot and bothered, that's just the body heat coming from Karkat. He might be right about the spontaneity, but you don't think he's considered the full functionality of a human mattress. You stage a quick demonstration. 

"I get what you mean, but have you considered...springs?" 

Sitting up, you bounce a few times on your butt, laughing at Karkat's disgruntled expression. He ends up closer to you again, but doesn't shuffle away. 

"OK fine, whatever. Bouncing around is apparently a part of human mating? It's no wonder you're all a bunch of overgrown wigglers." 

You frown. No bouncing for trolls, huh? You can't claim to be an expert on the practicalities of human sex, but you've got a master's degree in the theory and it definitely seems like it would be less fun without the bouncing. 

"So, what, you both just lie on the couch like a pair of Victorian gentlefolk and watch the clock until somebody comes? "Good show Ethylene, twas the finest orgasm I've had for many a year, and with nary a hint of vulgar movement."" 

He snarls, confused and embarrassed by your human cultural references and the bluntness of the question. You remember that Karkat might be a romance-novel expert, but he has just as little experience as you do. You assume. You certainly haven't thought about it before while you've been in this bed, eww, gross, it's Karkat for christ's sake. 

Speaking of Karkat, you stop zoning the fuck out and realize you've probably offended him. Better not burn all of your bridges with him, you've still got a year and a half stuck together on this stupid meteor, with almost zero chance of getting any attention from anyone else. 

"Sorry man, that was probably a bit too much curiosity. I don't want to be the Strider that followed the cat into the afterlife for not knowing when to stop asking bullshit questions." 

Karkat nods his acceptance of your apology, but still looks a little uncomfortable. You don't want to make it worse, but this bed-based stalemate is getting a little stale. You want to eat your snacks and go to sleep, as planned, and Vantas is apparently going nowhere so you'll just have to work around him. Lifting the blankets on your side, you climb in properly and spread the candy on the top of the bed. Karkat has gone rigid, obviously freaked out by your sudden close proximity. You sigh and attempt to calm him down because neither of you will get any sleep if he's acting like a total square. 

"Dude, chill. Have a candy bar and relax. I'm sleeping in my own fucking bed, but I don't care if you do as well. There's room or whatever so we can just have a good old fashioned bro-sleepover. A sleepbrover? Maybe not, that's pretty terrible." 

Karkat grunts his agreement, it was terrible. He tentatively grabs a candy bar, watching as you tear into yours like a kid on Christmas morning. You guess maybe trolls would try to poison each other, because he only eats when you've finished and survived the experience. You gauge his reaction, he seems to be enjoying the taste, but he's struggling with it sticking his teeth together. Watching him try to un-stick his jaws is adorable, he's basically losing a fight against the chewy caramel. 

"How was it for you, babe?" You ask when he's done, unable to resist. 

If he climbs into your bed he has to expect to be force-fed some innuendo. He sticks out his tongue, a less offensive gesture than you expected, and gives his opinion on the snack. 

"I guess it tastes OK, but the stuff fucking welded my teeth together. Do humans get some kind of masochistic high from the sensation of choking to death on sugar?" 

You almost crack a smile, Karkat's rants are one of your favorite things about him. Maybe this enforced sleepover won't be so terrible, provided he doesn't flail those claws in his sleep. You don't fancy waking up with scratches all over you. 

"OK so I guess you're staying put, so I'm going to go the fuck to sleep. Turn off the light and try not to squish me to death against the wall with your gigantic ass." 

"Fuck you." he replies, clicking off the light. 

In the dark, it's suddenly kind of weird being in bed with Karkat. You're both in pajamas so it's not like it's a full on porntastic experience or anything, but you've never shared a bed with someone who isn't related to you. He starts off on the other side of the bed, but slowly ends up facing you, and you flinch a little when one of his arms rests gently on your side. He freezes, so you know he isn't asleep. 

"Karkat?" you ask, quietly. The arm slips away. "Dude, are you trying to hug me?" 

There's no reply from the warm presence behind you, but you know the answer was yes. Would it be so terrible? Your Bro hasn't hugged you since you were little, and even though it's Karkat and what the fuck is he doing, you can sympathise with not having much physical contact. Gamzee seems to have permanently fucked off somewhere, and good riddance to that murderous asshole, so you guess Karkat is feeling neglected. 

"If you were, I don't mind, OK? We're bro's, Karkat, that means we can hug sometimes," not usually while in bed together, your brain supplies, but you've never seen him be gentle like this so you owe it to human-troll cultural research. "But if you mention the fucking quadrants you are out of here, all hugging privileges suspended indefinitely. Got it?" 

"Yes, fine. Whatever." Karkat wraps an arm around you, his eagerness contradicting the noncommittal reply. 

It's nice, kind of. He's warm and you can feel him snuggling his face into the gap between your shoulder-blades, which would be the cutest fucking thing if you could actually see it. But you aren't going to sleep any time soon. Minutes pass, and you can tell from Karkat's breathing that he isn't sleeping either. Rolling over, you move his arm onto your chest and get a horn in the face for your trouble. He squeaks, a surprised little noise, and you remember Terezi teasing him by trying to touch his horns. They're sensitive, apparently.

"Sorry, Kitten. I didn't mean to touch you in a tender spot." He growls, and now there are claws needling you in the side. 

"Don't give me fucking nicknames, Strider. It's sickening. I'm not pale for you, so don't treat me like the village two-wheel device of moirallegience." 

"Dude, shoosh. No quadrant chat. Only manly bro-chat, OK?"

He grunts, unimpressed. "What is the obsession with being "manly", Strider? As in who the fuck is it for? There's literally only the two of us here and I don't give a shit." 

You consider that. You're a dude, a bro, a manly sword-fighting hard-ass, and you're definitely not enjoying cuddling your sort-of best-friend in bed, in the dark. That is not a thing that could possibly be happening, even though it might actually be pretty nice for a guy who's life has been one long hug-drought. And maybe it would be comforting to know that someone cares enough to find an arbitrary excuse to get close to you, without you pushing them away for once. 

"OK, fine, Karkat. I'm enjoying cuddle-time, is that what you want to hear?" 

"It's a start. Trying to be human-friends with you is fucking exhausting, Dave." 

You sigh, and snuggle into him a little. Maybe you could sleep like this. Maybe it'd be nice to do this again. Closing your eyes, you can hear Karkat's breathing slow. It doesn't take long before yours does too.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Grumpelstiltskin](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5180972) by [sburbanite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sburbanite/pseuds/sburbanite)




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